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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)