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Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.