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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Mondays should start at noon.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!