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My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.