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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here