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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.