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I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
You are here: X
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.