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The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.