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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?