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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.