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Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.