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Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.