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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.