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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.