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I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.