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If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you