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It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...