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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.