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Have you hugged you bartender today.
This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
Iām going to start telling girls that Iām available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
The first sign of laziness:
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.