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Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.