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If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light