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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional