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I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.