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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.