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If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session