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I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Honk if you are reading this.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.