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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.