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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.