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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Exercise? More like extra fries.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.