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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
Very productive day today, turd-wise
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.