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That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.