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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
Chip clips are for quitters.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.