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Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
We think therefore we must be, but are we?
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.