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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Sometimes, I`m offended at how easily offended some people get.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?