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Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.