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I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....