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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.