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Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.