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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
I drink coffee for your protection.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.