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I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
I have nothing!
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?