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I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
I wish I could veto MY bills.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
I put the hot in psychotic.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.