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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!