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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.