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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?
I play hard to get along with.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?