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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.