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Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.