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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.