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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.