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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
If you see me smiling in public it means Iām laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
My life is based on a true story
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.