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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
I never thought Iād be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.