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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.