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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks