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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.