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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?