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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener