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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
This beer tastes like Iām going to text you later.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...