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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.