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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"