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Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.