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Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.