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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.