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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."