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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"