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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.