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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...