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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
What do you mean this posting of the BBQ ribs you made is not an invite?
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.