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Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."