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I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.