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This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.