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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.