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In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.