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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.