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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.