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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??