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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?