Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"