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I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.