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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?