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Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…