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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.