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My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.