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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.