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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face