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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.