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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`