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Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!