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I cant remember the last time i forgot something
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!