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Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.