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Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.