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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
My life coach just benched me.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?