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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....