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I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore