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It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume