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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day