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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.