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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
Why do blurry people always ask me if Iām drunk?
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.