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Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.