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Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.