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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?
I may be asking too much of this coffee.