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There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.