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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.