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They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.