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Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.