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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?