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I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.