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First fart at my new job.
Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.