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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.