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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.