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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.