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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
My internet goes out more than I do.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?