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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Line forms here for spankings
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.