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I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.