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I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married