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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!