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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."